Outcome Unknown Is Dying (And So Are You)
Death is on my mind. It kind of always is. I have an app installed on my iPhone that periodically reminds me that I'm going to die throughout the day. I know. It sounds a little crazy, but it's amazing how it impacts the decisions I make and the types of things I worry or stress about. It's also on my mind because on Friday I recorded an interview for a podcast I'm producing about death and dying. It's called Departed. I also found out yesterday that my good friend Parker and his wife Tiffany lost their dog Daphne, such a sweetheart. Losing pets is usually one of the first ways kids come to be aware of death.
When Cassidy was in her first year of preschool, they had a fish called Fernando who died. The class buried him on the school grounds. Rainbow the class rat was the next one to go. While children may not completely grasp death, these were both teachable moments. It also began somewhat of an obsession with death for Cassidy. She's very aware that living things, including people die. She likes to ask about dead relatives. My dad comes up every once in a while, which inevitably always catches me off guard.
We were in the car last week and out of nowhere she asked me, "if your papa was still alive, what would we call him?"
It took the wind out of me. I could barely speak for a moment. I simply replied, "what do you think you would have wanted to call him?"
She replied, "Papa B, since we call your mom Momma B."
"I think that sounds good," I replied, unable to smile, barely able to keep my composure. Blurry eyes on the road.
As you can imagine, I'm not the type of parent to avoid tough topics with the kids. I don't sugarcoat much of anything and try to be matter-of-fact. If they want details, they ask and I answer. Obviously I don't want them walking around worrying about Laura and I dying, but every once in a while one of them will ask if we're going to die or when we're going to die. My stock answer is usually along the lines of, 'yes, every living thing dies and people are living things, so everyone will die at some point and we usually don't know when.'
I looked back through the Outcome Unknown archives and I don't think I've ever talked much about how important it is, especially for parents, to make sure you have your medical directive, power of attorney, will and other life documents collectively known as estate planning in order. I'm always shocked that parents don't know, haven't prioritized it or just don't want to deal with it especially given it's 100% guaranteed that they will die. Admittedly, it's a lot to think about and depending on how you do it, it's not cheap, but it's essential and will save you and your family a lot of stress. If you're in Los Angeles, I'm happy to recommend the attorney we used for everything. He was great. You can also check out Cake or LegalZoom, but you should have something, even if you end up getting an attorney later. Make it a priority and don't put it off.
Related: Tomorrow did some analysis on wills across the country and shared the insights.
The birthrate in South Korea is plummeting, so schools are teaching illiterate seniors.
I'll admit to getting defensive (oh, hi ego and bias!) when reading this New York Times opinion piece on inequality in the home and connecting it to gender inequality in America, but it also made me consider whether I'm part of the problem.
Microdosing psychedelics isn't just a thing in Silicon Valley, it's a thing for some parents. Not sure I'd want to be the poster parent for this movement.
Good Reddit discussion about weed helping someone be a better parent.
After some readers requested recommendations, I decided to add them at the end of the newsletter. These aren't advertisements. They're recommendations for products I've purchased on my own and use regularly. If it's a product available on Amazon (not everything I recommend will be), I use affiliate links. If you're anti-Amazon, most of this stuff can be had elsewhere.
Meditation is good for Humans of all ages and I’ve tried the two most popular apps, Headspace and Calm. Both are good, but I find that the Waking Up app that Sam Harris painstakingly developed over the course of a couple of years the best meditation app there is. And bonus, he recently added meditation for kids to the app. Teaching kids to meditate has tremendous benefits for helping kids learn to self-regulate and let’s be honest, us parents could probably use a little help with that too. It’s available for iOS and Android devices and you can check out the first five lessons for free. After that it’s $14.99/month or $119.99/year.
There’s a book I recommend or gift to every new parent called, If Your Kid Eats This Book, Everything Will Still Be Ok. It’s written with a wicked sense of humor by an ER pediatrician. She knows more about the things to really worry about than you do. I assumed that a high fever would boil my child’s brain. That’s not true! I learned that and more from this book that I have referenced many times.
As we were flying to upstate New York for Thanksgiving last year, Cassidy made friends with a girl that had a Klutz book. Dumbest name ever for a book company, but alas their books are pretty great for toddler girls. They’re essentially books with bits and pieces that kids can adhere to either magical horses or mermaids. They’re great for traveling, restaurant visits and any other scenario where your girl is likely to whine about being bored and beg you for your phone.
Keep sharing this newsletter with your parent friends and sending be feedback. I love hearing from you.
❤️
Brad